


Even Gods Fall

by Obsidian_Bandit



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Cutting, Depressed Orihara Izaya, Hurt, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Protective Heiwajima Shizuo, Shizaya isn’t the point of this, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Wrists, it’s just a byproduct
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26474053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsidian_Bandit/pseuds/Obsidian_Bandit
Summary: “What, are you starting to regret it?” He choked out between sobs, “are you starting to wish you hadn’t said that bullshit, that you’d been nice? Don’t you understand that’s not your role, not the part you’re supposed to play, not the way you’re supposed to act if you want this to go well? If you want this to go well you can’t have him he’s not yours to have he hates you they all hate you you hate you because you do this again and again and you fuck up their lives you’ve fucked up their lives…”Or Izaya Orihara realizes that maybe constantly pushing people away and ruining other people’s lives can catch up to someone, even someone above other humans.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Kudos: 56





	Even Gods Fall

**Author's Note:**

> This’ll probably be long so if you want to skip it go ahead.  
> So I wrote this projecting intensely onto Izaya and I realize this has definitely changed his character a bit, he isn’t 100% Izaya in this fic. Usually I would keep fics like this for myself, because I know ooc fics aren’t a lot of people’s jams, but a part of me really wanted to post this so I did. I also realize that a lot of the individual pieces of this are probably not accurate, I didn’t research half as much as I usually like to when writing fics so I know some scenes will not be perfect, but I’m alright with that because I sort of feel like that itself makes the fic better.  
> This fic was for myself, I want you to realize that, but if you can find something to relate to in this, if you can genuinely enjoy this fic, then that will be pretty great. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“You’re so fucking smart, Izaya,” Izaya practically growled to himself the moment he shut the door to his office, sliding down against it and feeling the anger towards himself rise. “Once again you’ve pushed the one person you  _ actually  _ give a shit about away, bravo. And for what, so you can start some war? Become a god? Make everyone hate you even more than they already do?”

He didn’t know why all of a sudden he felt like this, usually he truly did feel confident in his abilities, confident in himself. But now he felt like one tap and he’d crumble away, dust to be blown about the streets of Ikebukuro, leaving everyone happier with his disappearance. 

Tears began streaming down his face, real tears that he simply couldn’t explain. He furiously began wiping at his cheeks and eyes, trying to stop the waterworks, not understanding why he was being so out of character, so off-script. Not after everything had been going just as he’d planned, just as he’d hoped.

“What, are you starting to regret it?” He choked out between sobs, “are you starting to wish you hadn’t said that bullshit, that you’d been  _ nice _ ? Don’t you understand that’s not your role, not the part you’re supposed to play, not the way you’re supposed to act if you want this to go well? If you want this to go well you can’t have him he’s not yours to have he hates you they all hate you  _ you  _ hate you because you do this again and again and you fuck up their lives you’ve fucked up their lives…”

The mantra continues, Izaya finding himself incapable of stopping, incapable of understanding anything other than  _ he fucked up.  _

Suddenly he stands, back ramrod straight, the mantra now only soft mutters. He moves, not understanding where or why, his feet leading him to his desk. He sits. He stops muttering. He grabs a blank sheet of paper. He grabs a pen. He uncaps the pen.

“I… I… could I? Am I… allowed to…?” He asks no one in particular, thoughts racing through his head. He wants to be a god, to stand above his beloved humans. But in that moment the reality of his situation hits him. “His humans” aren’t  _ really  _ his, he never owned them, they never wanted to be owned. They don’t love him, not as he loves them, and they never will. They hate him. He can’t blame them: a part of him hates him too.

Quickly he replaces the cap on the pen and throws it across the room. Those are thoughts in the uncharted territories of his mind that he doesn’t dare examine, no matter how bored or how curious he gets, that part of his mind remains locked. Remains hidden. And in exchange, he remains safe, alive, not dead on the side of the road.

He once again stands, this time somewhat calmer, and walks towards the door. It’s clear he’s getting no work done today, so he decides to distract himself. Either he’ll be able to relax at home or he’ll go on a wild chase with Shizuo, he doesn’t know which he prefers. Just knows he needs to stop thinking about writing notes, about his humans hating him. About him hating him.

* * *

“IZAYA!” 

_ Ah, so it’ll be the latter. Well, guess that’ll work.  _

“Yes, Shizu-Chan?” He replied innocently, a part of him felt that he needed to act a little harder for this one, and he went with it. He needed Shizuo to hate him, that was how the show was supposed to go.

“I already chased you down once today, you really that fuckin eager to make it twice?” Shizuo scowled, and Izaya knew he’d played his part perfectly. 

_ Thank you Shizu-Chan, for always being so easy to rile up. _

“Well you see, I need a distraction, and it turns out that outrunning  _ and  _ outwitting you is a pretty good one,” Izaya answered easily, smile turning slightly malicious.

It turned out that was exactly the right thing to say because in the next moment Izaya felt his shoulder just barely get grazed with a traffic sign Shizuo had pulled from the ground. Masterfully dodging it, Izaya immediately began running, though slow enough that he knew Shizuo would be able to keep up with him. He didn’t need his precious Shizu-Chan leaving him just yet.

_ What the hell brain? I’m trying to not think of that kind of bullshit right now, please just stay focused! _

“Flea, don’t you dare be givin’ me only half your attention right now, or I’ll knock your teeth out!”

“Observant as always, in the dumbest way.”

“Get your ass over here so I can beat the shit out of you!”

Izaya chuckled, Shizuo truly was a protozoan, and headed in the direction of an alleyway where he knew no one would venture down for at least another hour. He had a theory he wanted to test, or at least he wanted to risk his life a little more than usual.

When he reached the alley, Izaya climbed up the first flight of the fire escape stairs painstakingly slowly, hoping Shizuo would be too consumed by bloodlust to notice exactly how slow he was being. Luckily for him, Shizuo caught up to him just as he stepped onto the second flight of stairs, and Izaya had to kick down the smile that wanted to make itself present on his face.

“I caught you, now prepare to get your ass kicked.” Shizuo’s smile was what Izaya supposed was meant to be frightening, but in his current state, all he could feel was a sense of odd relief at the sight.

“Well I suppose you did catch me fair and square,” Izaya sighed and put his hands up in defeat. “You get to kick my ass, maybe even kill me if you wanna. Go ahead Shizuo, I’m all yours.”

But where Izaya had expected unbridled joy, maybe even a malicious smile, on Shizuo's face after hearing that statement, all he was met with was confusion.

“Are you okay, Izaya?” Shizuo asked, confusion clear in his voice.

“Oh my, does Shizu-Chan actually  _ prefer  _ being called Shizu-Chan? What a tsundere!” Izaya bounced back, trying to rile up the man once again. Going any more off-script would probably actually kill him.

“You just never call me Shizuo, I thought… maybe you weren’t ok. Y’know?” 

Izaya felt his face fall into a deadpan expression upon hearing the words, words he felt only anger at hearing. Shizuo had never been there for him when he truly wasn’t okay, had only ever wished to kill him. He had no say in how Izaya felt. “Even if I wasn’t ok, what does that have to do with you? You want to kill me, don’t you? So why should you care if I’m in tip-top condition or not?”

“I- hey wait a second Izaya!” Shizuo shouted, but the informant had already rushed up the rest of the fire escape stairs, dashing back to his apartment. First him breaking down, now this? Shizuo having compassion? He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

* * *

When Izaya reached his apartment he let out a pained groan, running a hand down his face as he shut the door behind himself.

“Why is everything being so weird today, how did  _ Shizuo  _ of all people manage to notice something was wrong with me, are my acting skills really that shitty?” He muttered as he took off his coat and moved to flop onto his bed.

Just as he was about to drift off for a moment, his phone rang. Groaning Izaya went back over to where he’d left his coat, grabbed the phone without checking the caller id, and answered it.

“Izaya Orihara here, what can I do for you?” He asked, his voice sickly sweet even to his own ears.

“Izaya, Shizuo just called me and he sounded pretty worried about you, something about you calling him his full name and then saying you weren’t “alright”. I was just wondering if he was serious or if this is another of his schemes to kill you?” Shinra answered him, voice sounding concerned.

_ Shit. _

“I can assure you, I’m fine Shinra, I’m guessing Shizuo is trying his hand at mind games, but he sure is bad at it.” Izaya masterfully kept his own worry and panic out of his voice.

“I guess if you say so I’ll believe you. But I can’t promise Celty won’t come to check on you, she trusts Shizuo a lot more than she trusts you, but she still cares about you. I care about you too, Izaya,” Shinra’s voice dropped to almost a whisper by the last sentence. “So you had better not be lying.”

“I’m aware Shinra…” Izaya sighed before continuing, disappointed in himself with the knowledge of what he was going to say next, of the amount of weakness he was about to display. “You’re my friend, I care about you, and I wouldn’t lie to you without good reason.”

“Maybe Shizuo was right,” Izaya could hear the smile in Shinra’s voice. “Maybe something is up with you, I’ve never known you to be so sentimental.”

“Whatever Shinra, I’ve got some work to do.” With that Izaya hung up, dropping his phone back into his jacket pocket. “I swear Shizuo, every time I think you’ve messed up my plans the most you possibly could, you go and mess them up even more. Damn protozoan.”

Izaya now allowed the panic he felt towards the situation wash over him, Shinra, Shizuo, and Celty were all apparently worried about him. All because of some stupid decision he’d made before he could think things through properly. And above all that was the reason they were worried, he still couldn’t fully understand why he was all of a sudden feeling all this hatred towards himself, and why his desire to die had grown exponentially. He’d always imagined plunging his pocket knife into his heart, sometimes he’d even gotten close to doing it, but that had always been out of a sort of anger he had towards the world and the people around him. Now he wanted to plunge his pocket knife into his heart because of a hatred he felt towards himself. And if that wasn’t the scariest thing he’d ever encountered he didn’t know what was.

Sitting down on the edge of his bed, Izaya held his head in his hands and tried to make sense of what was happening. He was starting to hate himself, but for what? For driving those he cared about away all in the name of his aspirations? For using and abusing innocent people who got caught up in things so much bigger than themselves? For all the times he could have prevented deaths: suicides, murders, manslaughters, you name it, but didn’t because it would have ruined his reputation as a cold, heartless, informant? For knowing deep down that his one goal in all this is impossible, that all he’ll ever truly achieve is ruining his own life?

“Damn am I fucked up,” He hissed under his breath. “Maybe I should just do it. For once I should actually follow through on those fantasies. Maybe after I die I’ll get to stay in my own special circle of hell, wouldn’t that just be  _ fantastic. _ ” 

He turned back towards his jacket, putting it on and then grabbing his phone and knife from their respective pockets. Opening his phone he found the contact of the one person he never dreamed in a million years he’d call if this ever happened, but whose name sat heavily on his shoulders. He was the only person Izaya could think of to call, the only person he was sure would listen but never actually try to come to his rescue.

“Who is this?” The gruff voice that both lived in his dreams and haunted his nightmares asked.

“Izaya Orihara, or as you have deemed me, Flea.” His words were light and airy, but his voice felt heavy and empty at the same time. He couldn’t find it in himself to put on any great acts, no show-stopping performance as the curtain closed on the final act of his life, just a tired man done with living a life that’s only ever been destined to hurt those around him.

“What the hell do you want?” 

“Ah Shizuo, I see all that pity was used up earlier, huh? Not that I particularly want it from  _ you  _ or anything…”

“Get to the damn point Izaya, I have other things to do.”

“I just wanted to call you to say sorry,” Izaya’s voice cracked, and he could feel the lump in his throat growing, tears threatening to escape his eyes. “I’m sorry for calling you to say this instead of someone else who actually cared, I’m sorry for making you hurt people, for making you do the one thing you hated the most over and over again, I’m sorry for dragging you and literal  _ children  _ into this fucking mess just so I could have any hopes of obtaining a status above human… I’m sorry for caring about you. And I’m sorry for having to put this burden on you, you don’t deserve to be hurt anymore but I… I won’t be able to hurt you anymore after this.”

“I-Izaya wha-”

“Don’t come over, Shizuo. Goodbye.” Izaya hung up the phone just as Shizuo began his sentence, throwing his phone onto the ground and flipping open his knife. 

As the blade glinted in the light of his apartment, it occurred to him that he should feel some sort of panic or fear at the thought of stabbing himself to death, but all he could feel was relief at the fact that it would be over soon. He rolled up the sleeves of his jacket and started cutting. He lost track of the cuts, of the time he spent, of how deep the knife went, all he could think about was how soon he wouldn’t have to play this tiring game, how soon no one else would have to suffer at his hand. Once he felt his arms were successfully maimed, he took the knife in both hands and pushed it into the area just above his stomach, pulling it out, sure this would be enough to kill himself, and let his eyes slip shut. 

Just before he blacked out he registered the sound of someone kicking down his door and racing down the hall, cracking open one eye he saw the familiar bleach blonde hair, and moments later he felt strong arms wrap around him.

“Wait, please, Izaya, don’t die, I’m begging you, I… I can’t stand living without you!” Shizuo’s voice sounded far away to Izaya, but he was able to just barely comprehend what was being said.

“Love… you… Shiz-Chan…” Izaya smiled softly, letting his eyes close again. He didn’t mean to hurt Shizuo, but it couldn’t be helped now. 

“I love you too Izaya...” Shizuo’s sobs made the words nearly incomprehensible, but Izaya managed to make them out all the same.

As the world faded away, Izaya felt himself lulled into a peaceful sleep by the sounds of Shizuo’s sobs, confident that now they could both be happy. Finally, they could both find peace.

**Author's Note:**

> That death scene was probably not accurate, I know this, I just really wanted to write it like that so I did.  
> I hope you all stay safe, and please don’t pull an Izaya. You’ll never know who you can grow to be, how you can succeed and triumph over the obstacles in your distance. And that isn’t fair to you. You deserve to be able to make it to success, no matter who you are or what you’ve done. Whatever that may be for you. I’m always here to lend an ear.


End file.
